the-notebook

 

It’s a complete mind-fuck when your man treats you differently around his friends. It’s hard for us girls who expect (rightfully so) a sense of loyalty and pride from their man. Especially when he is in front of his crew.

So what happens when he repeatedly argues with you in front of his friends and/or speaks to you in a disrespectful tone in front of his friends? 

Before you write the guy off completely, you may want to play devil’s advocate and consider this: he probably has no idea how a man is supposed to act and is playing into the pressure of his peers in how he “thinks” a man is supposed to act. (Which is a disrespectful dumb ass.)

 

Men can say they don’t care about what their friends (or ANYONE) thinks about them, but the reality is that isn’t true. They do care. They care so much that you may start to think they too have ovaries. Yet, that being said, they do not want to come across as anything other than “Mr. Manly Man of All Things MANLY”. So whilst he may be “Yes, Dear”ing you behind close doors, he may be doing the opposite in front of his friends.

And yes, it is ridiculous and also a sign of their immaturity. Treating women with respect and showing how proud they are to be your man doesn’t make him less manly…it actually is seen as them being THE MAN.

It shows a lot in the core of their character by how he talks/treats you in front of his friends. If he is saying/doing anything other than treating you respectfully (and lovingly) in front of his crew, then you’re not with a man, you are with a boy. 

A real man would never be insulting towards you or have you feeling less than adequate just so he can keep up appearances with his friends. If you have talked to him about this and he refuses to change, then it’s time for you to move on. A real man is good to you ALL OF THE TIME, especially in front of his friends. People lead by example so if your man is disrespecting you in public, you can guarantee his friends will do the same.

 

 

Sometimes in the middle of a movie, I’ll blurt out a random question like, “Do I have old lady hands?” to my boyfriend because I do not believe the romance has to die.

 

Friday Flashback. A Blog Post Rerun. Vintage Material.

Call it what you want…but I’m reposting an essay you may have missed the first time. Back when I was this unemployed slob who gave up drinking. HAHA.

That was a fun day.

 

FAUX

 

I met The Boyfriend and two other couples at a Mexican restaurant last night. The Boyfriend had spent the day on his snow machine and I had spent the day this way. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere and since I’m not drinking or eating anything fun, the idea of going out wasn’t exactly appealing. However, I genuinely like the other couples and knew that most likely The Boyfriend was a little drunk tipsy HAPPY and would need a ride home anyway.

When you’re sober and at dinner with five people who have all went to school together you will learn a lot about people you do not know and most likely will never meet. Also, you’re pretty much left out of a lot of conversations because you’re sober and don’t have that “I have no idea what you guys are talking about, but I’m going to pretend I do” mechanism. When I’m a little tipsy, I will interject myself into a conversation or move it around so that we’re not talking about who said what in second period Biology or OMG that slut in fifth period English tried to make out with so-in-so at that other so-in so’s birthday party. You see, if I’m lit enough, I could probably have them believe I was that slut in fifth period English class. (Okay, more likely it would be me believing it. It’s whatevs.)

It was a great time and I probably smiled and even laughed for the first time all day. The best part of the night was when we got home and The Boyfriend accused me of giving him FAKE water.

“This water is FAAAAKE. Fake like Fake News. FAAAAAKE.” And then he passed out.

 

Romance?

 

So. Not. Dead.

 


 

Daily, I examine my face…something I’ve been doing since I was thirty-five three years old. Now that I’m forty…I don’t just do it in the mornings or at night…I do it about twenty times a day. Yes, this could be considered vanity…or just straight up narcississm…but I’m obsessed with wrinkles. I’m obsessed in the sense of, “I do not want wrinkles.”

Anyway, this morning I noticed something peculiar about my eyelids. They seemed to have developed flaps.

Flaps.

This is puzzling to me because last night when I went to bed? There were no flaps on said eyelids.

I started to think of every famous person that is still considered attractive who have flaps on their eyelids. Surprisingly, there are none. Then I did a google search and all I could find were eyelids with skin tags. These flaps are NOT skin tags. Maybe flaps is the wrong word? Perhaps you’re imagining I’ve grown bird wings on my eyelids because of my lack of adjectives to properly describe what has happened to my eyelids.

The Boyfriend says he doesn’t see anything different with my eyelids. I still see flaps…but they’re not as predominant as they were this morning. Is it because I’ve accepted the fact that I have flaps on my eyelids or was it all in my imagination?

Or- and this is highly probable-it could be fake? My imagination and paranoia getting the best of me?

Fake Flaps on Eyelids. Like Fake News or…wait for it…

 

Fake Water. 

 

This post has been brought to you by four days of sobriety, two months of unemployment, nine seasons of The Office, This is Us withdrawals, The Boyfriend’s fun drunk verbiage and my flannel nightgown worn at 4:26pm on a Sunday. 

 

You’re Welcome.

 

Smartphones are ubiquitous in today’s world and it’s now totally the norm to see many people with a phone in their hand as you walk down any street around the world. Technology and specifically phone and tablet technology have brought huge changes to our everyday lives and most of those are positive. Whilst many would argue that smartphones have also brought issues to those in relationships due to arguments about time spent on them, there’s no doubting that the advances in these devices have brought the world closer.

Today, it’s totally plausible to maintain a healthy relationship with someone based in a far off distant land; that’s due to the availability of so many easy to use apps such as Skype and so on. There are however many other apps that can “improve” the quality of your relationship with your loved one and some are pretty fun to use too!

Why not check some of those apps that my friends over at Carvaka have suggested in this infographic below; choose from apps to improve your relationship’s communication but there are also apps for those who are single and are more casual in their love affairs!

Apps-to-Improve-Your-Love-Life

 

love.jpg

 

 

I have always been an avid fan and believer of the concept of love languages. I tend to buy the book by Gary Chapman for newlyweds. I find it extremely vital for couples to understand how to communicate with one another successfully…which means speaking the correct love language(s).

Learning your partner’s love language is an easy-albeit IMPORTANT-discovery. It’s fascinating. I’m bewildered that anyone wouldn’t want to express love to their partner in an enriching way so they actually FEEL it.

We all want to feel loved. We want our partner’s approval. For women, we want our man to find us sexy and appealing. If we are expressing love to our partner using the wrong love language…we are building a wall built on miscommunication which could lead to mistrust and resentment.

What are the 5 Love Languages?

1. Words of Affirmation

“If this is your love language, you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are, how much they appreciate you, etc.”

2. Acts of Service

“If your partner offering to watch the kids so you can go to the gym (or relieving you of some other task) gets your heart going, then this is your love language.”

3. Affection

“This love language is just as it sounds. A warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy make you feel most loved when this is your love language.”

4. Quality Time

“This love language is about being together, fully present and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial.”

5. Gifts

“Your partner taking the time to give you a gift can make you feel appreciated.”

How to figure out your primary language:

  1. Your upbringing can speak into your love language. How did you parents show you love growing up? What made you feel the most loved as a child? There is a high probability that is your primary love language.
  2. When you really want to show someone you care about them, what first comes to your mind to show it? Your most basic instincts can show your primary love language as well.
  3. Painful relational experiences can show your primary love language. If someone close to you hurt you in a deep way or neglected to show love the way you wanted, perhaps the deep hurt/dissatisfaction came because the way you most feel loved was not met. This means that what they failed to do is what you value the most because it is your primary love language.

 

Are you speaking your partner’s love language?

What’s Your Love Language?

Here’s a quiz to find out: DISCOVER YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE

 

 

couple

 

Unhappy relationships may be saved with dedication and work from both partners. Having been married with children, I would by lying if I didn’t ask myself occassionally if we could have made it work had we tried harder. Yet, truth be told a lot of damage had been done in those last two years… that repairing the relationship was futile. A bond we both shared since we were both twenty years old…a deep and loving friendship had been destroyed. In our individual hurt and pain, each of us had built up a wall. And I’ll admit, my wall became taller and stronger…he couldn’t get through to me towards the end.

It was…sadly…too little too late for me.

Effective communication, TRUE resolution of past problems and QUALITY (not quantity) time are essential to improving your relationship. I know this now. And I know how important it is that both partners must want to do the work to have a strong relationship.

Unhappy partners usually complain about a lack of intimacy. We all crave affection and attention. We should be encouraging to our partners, lifting them up and praising them.

It’s amazingly simple when you think about it. There is a wonderful scripture in the Bible that gives a wonderful instruction regarding love:

Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured.  It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail].  Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].

Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]…~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Amplified Version Bible  (AMP)

 

My friend who is also a therapist sent me this article titled, “The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse.” This is a must-read for anyone in a relationship.

 

True love endures. 

 

The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse

By Eric Barker 

Want to be a Master and not a Disaster? 

heart-hands

 

I am not a relationship expert. In fact, the only thing I could be considered an expert in is the art of breastfeeding, getting myself dressed and taking a phone call simultaneously. There was this one time I even managed to get myself into pantyhose whilst breastfeeding a 9 week old baby.

So with those types of talents (which aren’t gonna achieve in my receiving any type of awards or ribbons) my expertise is limited.

I preface all of this because in the last few months, I’ve received comments and emails from readers regarding posts I’ve written about relationships and then asking for advice. And believe me, I’m all but willing to give you my two cents on just about anything…so if you ask, I’ll give you my honest opinion. I want to be clear though: I am not a professional in the field of relationships.

Any kind of relationships.

In fact, if you were to evaluate all of my relationships from the age of 3, you’d find that I’m actually below average in the skills of relationships. To be absolutely blunt: I SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS.

In the spirit of open forum and discussion, I encourage comments and feedback. If you want to ask a question, I’ll gladly answer. Just know, that if  you’re asking a question in the hopes I’m going to Oprah Winfrey your life, (which is ego fattening and head inflating for me, by the way) know that I’m just some 40 year old divorced mom who gets anxiety from driving to work.

The irony is not lost on me that my entire adult career has been dealing with the public and yet I am overwhelmed with big crowds and would much rather fly under the radar. See? I’m an enigma. I’m the last person you want to take advice from. My solution to almost anything is, “Which episode of ‘The Office’ will make me laugh hard enough to not think about this problem for a while?”

There’s your Disclaimer.

Now let’s delve into relationships…the non-expert, has no idea what she’s doing half the time, should take up underwater basket weaving instead of blogging version.


 

I’ve said this before and I’m going to say it again and again: RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD. It takes the efforts of the two people to make a relationship work. If you have one who is trying and the other person is complacent, chances are the relationship is doomed. There may come a time in which the person who has been trying decides to give up. Usually (in my experience) the one who had been complacent sees this as a wake-up call. By the time they decide to get both feet wet and do the work that is required, the other person is done. It’s too late. They’ve moved on, if only just emotionally.

 

How does a couple avoid even getting to that place? Or…what if you already are in that place…what do you do? 

  • Get Out and Do Something

If the only thing you can think of that you and your significant other do together is watch television together, then girlfriend, you’re in a relationship rut. I understand we all need down time and believe me, I am guilty of planting myself in front of the TV or bury my nose in a book to escape a hard day. I get it! However, if this is an all the time thing and the two of you do not have one thing you do together…then it’s time to change course.

You’re sitting in a rainy, muddy puddle together and the two of you have gotten so used to the yuck, you’re content in just puddle sitting. It’s going to be uncomfortable to actually step outside of the puddle and get cleaned up. However, think how fantastic you’re going to feel once that is done. And then you’ll be all, “Why the hell didn’t we do this sooner?”

LIVE. Get out of the house TOGETHER and have fun. This doesn’t mean extravagant and expensive outings…it’s about being adventurous and finding new environments to share TOGETHER. Make this mandatory. Get out together weekly on a mandatory date night, whether it be learning a new hobby, taking a walk, experiencing a new restaurant…just get off the couch and do something TOGETHER.

 

  • Rekindle the Intimacy 

When things get complacent in your relationship, it’ll reflect in the bedroom. It’s not always easy  to approach your love for a little something-something, especially if it’s been a while. I’ll admit this publicly: I’m not comfortable initiating. Having said that, sometimes you just have to step out of your comfort zone in order to “get some.”

When it has been awhile, it can feel all shades of weird to initiate some indoor sports action. Get your mind off THAT PART and pretend in your mind that it is in the beginning of the relationship.

Remember what attracted you to your honey to begin with. Flirt. Kiss. Hug. Hold his hand. Build that foundation of intimate excitement again.

Even if you don’t feel like the spark is there anymore, do it anyway…you’d be surprised at how often the feelings will return and then…chica chica bow bow. Fireworks.

 

  • Be Happy with Yourself

Your significant other isn’t going to be happy with you if you’re not happy with yourself! The happier you are, the more exciting your relationship will be. Work on YOU and your inner happiness FIRST. How can he possibly love or show you love if you can’t love yourself?

Do YOU. 

Pursue your own interests and passions. Be passionate with yourself and a passionate relationship will not be difficult to have.

  • Flirt

Remember in the beginning of your relationship when you would get butterflies whenever your babe walked into a room? I still have those moments when I see The Boyfriend after a long day. I get a little excited and I hope those feelings never end.

What I am guilty of is holding back on that excitement. I should be flirting with him, because our mutual flirtation is a huge part in us becoming a couple.

The first time we kissed, he sent me a text later that night which read something like this: “You were so cute the way you hopped up to kiss me.” The fact that he used the word ‘hopped’ (we were sitting in his truck talking.  I’m short, so in order to kiss him, I had to perch up a bit) endeared me. He was sharing with me his thoughts of our first kiss in an honest and flirtatious (albeit cute) way and I still smile when I think of it.

Flirt with your sweetheart. Send a flirty text during the day to make them smile. Gently touch the arch of her back in a loving way when standing in line. Wink at him across the room.

Flirt like you just met and want to get their attention. 

 

 

Relationships. They’re a crazy thing…but they don’t have to be so hard that they can’t be fun.

 

love

 

Apparently (according to this study) the most popular time to have sex is Sunday morning at 9am.

(Which totally makes sense to me now, considering as a kid my parents handed us over to our grandmother to attend church so they could ‘sleep in’)

The survey of 2,000 Brits by Superdrug found that the desire to have evening or nighttime sex is stronger and more frequent than morning sex, even during the weekend.

Here are more ‘ideal’ times people are getting their horizontal tango on:

  1. Sunday, 9:00 AM
  2. Saturday, 10:30 PM
  3. Saturday, 11:30 PM
  4. Friday, 10:30 PM
  5. Saturday, 10:30 AM
  6. Saturday, 11:30 AM
  7. Friday, 10:30 PM
  8. Saturday, 11:15 PM
  9. Saturday, 9:30 PM
  10. Sunday, 9:30 PM

“Or if you tend to make love last thing in the evening, when you’re both shattered, try moving the action to the a.m. when you have more energy – I thoroughly recommend a cheeky quickie in your morning shower to get the day off to a superb start.”  ~sex expert Alix Fox

Here are days and times people did not like to have sex:

  1. Monday, 4:45 PM
  2. Monday, 3:00 PM
  3. Tuesday, 5:30 PM
  4. Tuesday, 9:00 PM
  5. Thursday, 8:00 AM
  6. Thursday, 1:30 PM
  7. Monday, 8:00 AM
  8. Wednesday, 7:30 AM
  9. Friday, 5:00 PM
  10. Saturday, 5:00 PM

 

Suggested Reading when things are getting stale in the bedroom: