lucy

 

I’ve been busy living life as opposed to writing about it. 

I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence with a straight face, because “Busy Living Life” isn’t exactly accurate. Whilst, I have been living (because I’m not dead), I shouldn’t say I’ve been BUSY.

“Busy” gives the indication that I’m excitedly doing stuff with no time to do more stuff which quite frankly, the stuff I’m doing isn’t fun/exciting. It’s pretty pathetic and if misery could be formed into a human form, well, friends, just look my way.

What started as a minor skin irritant two months ago has now turned into a raging fire on my skin. I’m broken out in hives all over my chest, stomach and lower back. And if I could get away without wearing a bra to work, I would do so. This isn’t an option because the last thing I need is to break a few ribs going up and down the stairs in my building because I had to go bra-less. I remember a time in which my big breasts were idyllic to my sex appeal. Now, at the age of forty, they are a safety hazard and in no way could be classified as sexy.

I’m not exactly sure WHAT is going on with my body, but I’m in an internal hell. Taking a shower is painful. Wearing clothes is painful. NOT wearing clothes is painful.

Basically being me is painful. 

Plus, I’m dealing with major digestive issues that has me bloated and swollen and my discord is only intensified by The Boyfriend. The Boyfriend is on some health kick and is shedding pounds like crazy. He recently bought not one, but TWO bicycles and if he isn’t playing softball, golf or hockey…he’s riding his bike. I have mixed feelings of admiration and jealousy…because I would like to be more active and join him. Or maybe not even join him because that is now HIS thing so I would probably do something active solo. I admire his commitment to be fit and healthy but I’m also jealous because THAT WAS ME. And I can’t even wear a damn bra and clothes during my 8 hour work day without doing Lamaze breathing. This irritate torture is becoming more difficult to hide my displeasure when it comes to my being smothered in calamine lotion with an ice pack on my stomach and The Boyfriend is excitedly talking about some new trail he’s found on his bike and is all,  “OMG BABE, IT’S SO MUCH FUN!”

How dare he have perfect NON-ITCHING skin free of hives, is able to poop daily AND is happily active? I want to tell him he looks absolutely ridiculous in his bike attire and not just that?

Hockey is stupid. 

I don’t say any of that, because none of it is true.  I’m cranky and miserable and want to kick -whatever this is going on with my body- out into the oblivion. And because nothing is quick and easy…the next available appointment to see this new specialist is two weeks away. So I do what only comes natural to me:

Bitch to the entire Internet and shoot daggers at The Boyfriend when he tells me he’s going to play golf this weekend because:

Golf is stupid. 

 

cd

 

 

I just got done filming a commercial/video that will most likely run only in other towns, the tourist channel and in the hotel it was filmed. It wasn’t a paid gig but I got free lunch out of it so HEY, win/win.

Also? There was no audio which made for some fun discussions.

Under the pretense of my checking into the hotel, I was told to ask the standard questions but to be really animated and over the top. It would feel weird, but it would view well on camera. So there I am walking up to the hotel manager to “check in”.

Dialogue went something like this:

“Hi, I’m here to check in.”

“Name?”

“Sansa Stark”

“Ahh. Ms. Stark. So lovely to meet you. Your room is ready. You have a terrific view. Do you have any special requests?”

[Huge smile by me with elaborate hand gestures]

“Yes, I do have some requests. I would like four male strippers, preferably not gay, but one could be gay just for the hell of it, they must be totally buffed and gorgeous, I’d also like them to be a little near sighted because I find I’m much more attractive to those who can’t see very well. Also I’d like some cocaine that I will snort off one…okay…who am I kidding? I’ll snort the cocaine off all four of the male strippers’ bodies. And if it isn’t too much trouble could you bring me up a bottle of your finest tequila?”

Guy is now baffled, trying not to laugh but the director is telling us to keep going that this? THIS IS GREAT! More smiles! Ask more questions! Give her what she wants!

“Okay, Ms. Stark. You got it. Strippers. Cocaine. Tequila. Anything else? We really want our customers happy. ”

“Do you think you could bring me up some chewing gum? Drinking and snorting cocaine really gives me dry mouth.”

We shot other scenes such as a business meeting in which the four of us only talked about Game of Thrones. Then there is the scene in which I’m walking in and out of the building with this man who wanted to keep talking about Game of Thrones. A final scene is me sitting on the couch talking to a woman in which we ELABORATELY discussed with our hands and BIG smiles about how great Game of Thrones would be if more of the actors favored four buffed male strippers who kept their shirts off even with Winter coming.

One of the individuals in the filming crew said I was a surprise. He thought I wasn’t going to have much of a personality, that I looked really shy and reserved. I am pretty reserved, but the last few days have been pretty tough emotionally. Not sure what made me step out of my comfort zone and just laugh and be silly with a bunch of strangers, but it was a wonderful reprieve from life.

And for the first time in a very long time, I felt like me again.

 

 

Sometimes in the middle of a movie, I’ll blurt out a random question like, “Do I have old lady hands?” to my boyfriend because I do not believe the romance has to die.

 

Friday Flashback. A Blog Post Rerun. Vintage Material.

Call it what you want…but I’m reposting an essay you may have missed the first time. Back when I was this unemployed slob who gave up drinking. HAHA.

That was a fun day.

 

FAUX

 

I met The Boyfriend and two other couples at a Mexican restaurant last night. The Boyfriend had spent the day on his snow machine and I had spent the day this way. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere and since I’m not drinking or eating anything fun, the idea of going out wasn’t exactly appealing. However, I genuinely like the other couples and knew that most likely The Boyfriend was a little drunk tipsy HAPPY and would need a ride home anyway.

When you’re sober and at dinner with five people who have all went to school together you will learn a lot about people you do not know and most likely will never meet. Also, you’re pretty much left out of a lot of conversations because you’re sober and don’t have that “I have no idea what you guys are talking about, but I’m going to pretend I do” mechanism. When I’m a little tipsy, I will interject myself into a conversation or move it around so that we’re not talking about who said what in second period Biology or OMG that slut in fifth period English tried to make out with so-in-so at that other so-in so’s birthday party. You see, if I’m lit enough, I could probably have them believe I was that slut in fifth period English class. (Okay, more likely it would be me believing it. It’s whatevs.)

It was a great time and I probably smiled and even laughed for the first time all day. The best part of the night was when we got home and The Boyfriend accused me of giving him FAKE water.

“This water is FAAAAKE. Fake like Fake News. FAAAAAKE.” And then he passed out.

 

Romance?

 

So. Not. Dead.

 


 

Daily, I examine my face…something I’ve been doing since I was thirty-five three years old. Now that I’m forty…I don’t just do it in the mornings or at night…I do it about twenty times a day. Yes, this could be considered vanity…or just straight up narcississm…but I’m obsessed with wrinkles. I’m obsessed in the sense of, “I do not want wrinkles.”

Anyway, this morning I noticed something peculiar about my eyelids. They seemed to have developed flaps.

Flaps.

This is puzzling to me because last night when I went to bed? There were no flaps on said eyelids.

I started to think of every famous person that is still considered attractive who have flaps on their eyelids. Surprisingly, there are none. Then I did a google search and all I could find were eyelids with skin tags. These flaps are NOT skin tags. Maybe flaps is the wrong word? Perhaps you’re imagining I’ve grown bird wings on my eyelids because of my lack of adjectives to properly describe what has happened to my eyelids.

The Boyfriend says he doesn’t see anything different with my eyelids. I still see flaps…but they’re not as predominant as they were this morning. Is it because I’ve accepted the fact that I have flaps on my eyelids or was it all in my imagination?

Or- and this is highly probable-it could be fake? My imagination and paranoia getting the best of me?

Fake Flaps on Eyelids. Like Fake News or…wait for it…

 

Fake Water. 

 

This post has been brought to you by four days of sobriety, two months of unemployment, nine seasons of The Office, This is Us withdrawals, The Boyfriend’s fun drunk verbiage and my flannel nightgown worn at 4:26pm on a Sunday. 

 

You’re Welcome.

 

40

 

I started doing this weird* thing on my lunch break. I have started walking along the roads of downtown Anchorage, sometimes in my heels, sometimes I change into my sneakers. I could walk further down to the Inlet and actually do more than stroll and people watch…but I stay on this course. Up and down 4th and 5th Avenue, merging in with the locals and the tourists. You always can recognize the tourists…always smiling with a hint of confusion because they’re not exactly sure where they are going. It is in that frame of mind that I’m like so many of these tourists I witness strolling with their bags of souvenirs on the downtown streets of Anchorage.

I have absolutely no idea where and what I’m doing these days…I only know that I’m on the right track. 

I received some good news today…good in the sense that a door is being cracked open for me. The hard work will be  my pushing the door wide open and actually walking through. Yet, right now, it is enough. It’s enough of a reminder that things are SLOWLY getting back on track. I can feel myself closer to this place in which I know I belong.

I’m so darn close. It not only fills me with excitement, but I also feel the twinges of fear. I’m scared that this person I identify with as being broken won’t be able to fully put herself back together again. Maybe this is it for me. Maybe that confidence I felt that made me sure…is gone.

I’m trying, I still have it in me to try…because despite being unsure and fearful of the future…it isn’t natural for me to hold to this fear and the idea of forever being broken.  I accept my feelings, but I refuse to embrace these damaging ideas and this fear. I want to keep it as a foreign state. Temporary.

I’ll proceed with caution, but I’ll still continue to proceed.

“Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.” ~Judy Blume

 

 

 

*Weird that it is out of the ordinary for me just to walk without a destination in mind. Look at me getting out of my comfort zone, ya’ll.

Smartphones are ubiquitous in today’s world and it’s now totally the norm to see many people with a phone in their hand as you walk down any street around the world. Technology and specifically phone and tablet technology have brought huge changes to our everyday lives and most of those are positive. Whilst many would argue that smartphones have also brought issues to those in relationships due to arguments about time spent on them, there’s no doubting that the advances in these devices have brought the world closer.

Today, it’s totally plausible to maintain a healthy relationship with someone based in a far off distant land; that’s due to the availability of so many easy to use apps such as Skype and so on. There are however many other apps that can “improve” the quality of your relationship with your loved one and some are pretty fun to use too!

Why not check some of those apps that my friends over at Carvaka have suggested in this infographic below; choose from apps to improve your relationship’s communication but there are also apps for those who are single and are more casual in their love affairs!

Apps-to-Improve-Your-Love-Life

 

love.jpg

 

 

I have always been an avid fan and believer of the concept of love languages. I tend to buy the book by Gary Chapman for newlyweds. I find it extremely vital for couples to understand how to communicate with one another successfully…which means speaking the correct love language(s).

Learning your partner’s love language is an easy-albeit IMPORTANT-discovery. It’s fascinating. I’m bewildered that anyone wouldn’t want to express love to their partner in an enriching way so they actually FEEL it.

We all want to feel loved. We want our partner’s approval. For women, we want our man to find us sexy and appealing. If we are expressing love to our partner using the wrong love language…we are building a wall built on miscommunication which could lead to mistrust and resentment.

What are the 5 Love Languages?

1. Words of Affirmation

“If this is your love language, you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are, how much they appreciate you, etc.”

2. Acts of Service

“If your partner offering to watch the kids so you can go to the gym (or relieving you of some other task) gets your heart going, then this is your love language.”

3. Affection

“This love language is just as it sounds. A warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy make you feel most loved when this is your love language.”

4. Quality Time

“This love language is about being together, fully present and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial.”

5. Gifts

“Your partner taking the time to give you a gift can make you feel appreciated.”

How to figure out your primary language:

  1. Your upbringing can speak into your love language. How did you parents show you love growing up? What made you feel the most loved as a child? There is a high probability that is your primary love language.
  2. When you really want to show someone you care about them, what first comes to your mind to show it? Your most basic instincts can show your primary love language as well.
  3. Painful relational experiences can show your primary love language. If someone close to you hurt you in a deep way or neglected to show love the way you wanted, perhaps the deep hurt/dissatisfaction came because the way you most feel loved was not met. This means that what they failed to do is what you value the most because it is your primary love language.

 

Are you speaking your partner’s love language?

What’s Your Love Language?

Here’s a quiz to find out: DISCOVER YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE