Onward

40

 

I started doing this weird* thing on my lunch break. I have started walking along the roads of downtown Anchorage, sometimes in my heels, sometimes I change into my sneakers. I could walk further down to the Inlet and actually do more than stroll and people watch…but I stay on this course. Up and down 4th and 5th Avenue, merging in with the locals and the tourists. You always can recognize the tourists…always smiling with a hint of confusion because they’re not exactly sure where they are going. It is in that frame of mind that I’m like so many of these tourists I witness strolling with their bags of souvenirs on the downtown streets of Anchorage.

I have absolutely no idea where and what I’m doing these days…I only know that I’m on the right track. 

I received some good news today…good in the sense that a door is being cracked open for me. The hard work will be  my pushing the door wide open and actually walking through. Yet, right now, it is enough. It’s enough of a reminder that things are SLOWLY getting back on track. I can feel myself closer to this place in which I know I belong.

I’m so darn close. It not only fills me with excitement, but I also feel the twinges of fear. I’m scared that this person I identify with as being broken won’t be able to fully put herself back together again. Maybe this is it for me. Maybe that confidence I felt that made me sure…is gone.

I’m trying, I still have it in me to try…because despite being unsure and fearful of the future…it isn’t natural for me to hold to this fear and the idea of forever being broken.  I accept my feelings, but I refuse to embrace these damaging ideas and this fear. I want to keep it as a foreign state. Temporary.

I’ll proceed with caution, but I’ll still continue to proceed.

“Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.” ~Judy Blume

 

 

 

*Weird that it is out of the ordinary for me just to walk without a destination in mind. Look at me getting out of my comfort zone, ya’ll.

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