This week has had me warped in a fog of fatigue. A gross kind of fatigue that sometimes turns me crippled… like a wad of soggy toilet paper. I can’t seem to break through the fog and when I think I have… it’s a trick. I become overwhelmingly anxious and sensitive. I have had to literally talk myself down from the edge…telling myself over and over again that everything is going to be okay. It’s a mantra I repeat over and over: “It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.”
Rinse and Repeat.
The fatigue is weird, because I thought the working out and changing my diet would lead to this energy I hear all the fitness gurus rave about. It’s only been ten days…ten days of working out, sometimes twice a day and not eating everything in sight. And it is pretty daunting to find the scale hasn’t moved much in the direction I want. I’m doing all this work and I’m still wearing pants with an elastic waist…and I’m still exhausted.
And my boobs? Well, those babies aren’t getting any smaller. In fact, they’re bigger than they have ever been and it’s not the least bit sexy.
And no, I’m not pregnant. (Thanks Mom for asking.) I’m just fat and yes, I know the drill. When you set out to lose weight the old-fashioned and healthy way, it doesn’t happen over night. It’s a lifestyle change, not a magical spell.
But still. Shouldn’t I see some progress…or at the very least, feel energized and not wanting to collapse back to bed because showering was an exhausting endeavor?
Instead, I feel defeated and tired. SO TIRED. Yet, I still keep going. If anything, the workouts I do on the treadmill which are pretty intense, helps the anxiety. It’s my time to escape whatever I’m freaking out about and focus on seeing the difference in my endurance. I know I’m getting stronger in that way and yes, that should be enough…but right now, it’s not. I want to see more and it is that want to see MORE that keeps me from giving up. I’m not going to throw in the towel and gorge myself on chocolate.
Not today, anyway.
I’ve been trying several new things lately with my workouts. One of the things that I’ve actually enjoyed is getting on the treadmill and setting the incline to 15 and walk at something like 3.5 speed. I do this for 45 minutes whilst watching one of those reality shows that makes me want to buy a small dog to carry around in my purse. Sometimes I skip the shows and play music, the louder the better, and completely zone out into a world that I’ve cultivated in my mind. Some stupid fantasy I’ve concocted that is a brief escape from whatever is troubling me. It helps.
When we are discouraged and finding we are talking ourselves down from the edge of angst and tears, it is these things that bring comfort and relief. The problems are still there, waiting on the sidelines, but more often than not, having these ‘escapes’ are what clears the mind to find solutions. Whether it is walking your dog, reading a good book, yoga, church…whatever it is…hold on to your thing and no matter how bad the fog is…keep at it.
And I’m telling you and I’m also telling myself again and again:
“Do your thing. Because I promise, it will be okay.”