Manscaping

Naked man is taking a shower in bathroom, rear view

When I was a young bride of twenty-two, I jokingly told my then husband I would be more inclined to “go down there” if it wasn’t covered so much in hair.

Boy, did those words ever come back and haunt me for our entire marriage.

I came home one afternoon to find him locked in the bathroom with an odd smell engulfing our small two bedroom apartment.

“Is there something burning?” I yelled.

“Nothing is burning. I’ll be out in a minute.”

I took his word for it and began to do things around the apartment.

And then…he appeared.

Standing there completely naked in our kitchen.

“Notice anything?”

I glanced at him and rolled my eyes. “Besides the fact you’re not wearing any clothes?”

“Yeah, besides that.”

I didn’t notice anything from where I was standing and then…it wasn’t what I saw…it was what I didn’t see. 

And I bursted out laughing.

Not giggling, mind you…like straight up “I’ma gonna break a rib” laughing.

The poor guy had used my Nair. He used my Nair EVERYWHERE.

What used to look like a nicely proportioned set of balls…now resembled raw chicken skin.

And there he was standing in the kitchen thinking he was Don Juan with a ponytail and all I could think was, “Well, I can’t make chicken for dinner now.”

That was back in 1998 and the term ‘manscaping’ wasn’t a thing. In fact, I wasn’t doing much female scaping back then either, besides the basic bikini shave. And here’s the thing…the ex husband wasn’t even hairy down there to begin with. I don’t think he even got hairy until he was about thirty. I had been sarcastically joking to get out of ‘doing it’ and anything and everything that involved ‘doing it.’ (Guess how many times I had to ‘do it’ after that sarcastic joke? A lot. Guilt makes you horny. We ended up conceiving our son. Now there’s a story to go into his baby book:

“Dear Son,

You were conceived because your mother made fun of your dad about having hairy balls. He used Nair all over said balls which caused his balls to look like raw chicken skin. Your mother laughed and made fun of your father which probably hurt his pride and manhood. Therefore, your mother had sex with your father because she has a heart and no one should make fun of anyone EVER. Even if their balls look like raw chicken skin.

You’re Welcome for being born. “

Needless to say, the ex-husband didn’t manscape again (for me anyway) our entire marriage.

Until The Boyfriend, I wasn’t with any one man seriously. There was one guy I pretty much saw on a regular basics for about three years, but we weren’t exclusive. And then I met Charles. “Charlie”

Good ol’ Charlie. He was probably the closest thing I had to a boyfriend for THREE whole months in 2013. He was this young thirty year engineer/musician, but he looked like a cross between a muscular construction worker and an Abercrombie & Fitch model. I mention all that because I’ve dated a lot of good-looking men in my life…but he was one of the few that was actually handsome AND smart. So I’m going to brag about the guy. (Although, for the intent of full disclosure, he was a vegan and did Crossfit. I know this because the entire three months we dated…he would never fail to mention it.)

It was through Charlie that I first heard the term, “Manscaping.” We were at his condo one night and he made some remark about manscaping.

“Manscaping? What are you talking about?”

He gave me this look that many people in my life give me. It’s this puzzled/amused/ ‘she can’t be serious’ look.

You’d be surprised how many times in a week I’m given that look.

“I manscape. You know, clean up the guys a bit, do some lawn work around the party…”

It takes me a few seconds (okay minutes) and then I get it.

“YOU SHAVE?!”

“Well, it doesn’t just look like this naturally.”

So what is manscaping?

man·scap·ing
ˈmanˌskāpiNG/

noun

informal humorous
 the removal or trimming of hair on a man’s body for cosmetic effect.
If you’re one who hasn’t had the experience to venture in the adventures of manscaping, you should develop a strategy beforehand. According to a study in Urology, there’s actual injuries sustained by manscaping. I’m not joking. You can injure yourself, fellas. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. You are, after all, a man and us here ladies…we believe in you. 

 

According to an Indiana University study, fifty percent of women prefer their men to either be completely or partially hair free. I suggest asking your partner their preference. They’re the ones that have to journey down to La La Land. So ask them if they prefer a stroll through the woods with a grassy knoll with sticks that can poke out your eye or if they prefer the feel of a soft pleasant surface to frolic.

I’m all about the manscaping now. I like that area on a man to be a clean surface. I find it insulting when a man has stopped ‘taking care of business’ down there once he lands a partner. That’s bullshit, fellas. You can’t just STOP because you’ve been married ten or whatever many years. You presented her with the feel of a pleasant surface to frolic…YOU SHALL GIVE HER THE FEEL OF A SOFT PLEASANT SURFACE TO FROLIC  FOREVER. 


*Special thanks goes out to Cindy and her co-worker for the idea for this post.
And also to raw chicken skins everywhere.


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