Love and War

Male and female hands holding paddle sticks with messages

In my teenage and early twenties, I was a very argumentative person. I’m not so much anymore-unless I’m intoxicated and then it’s a totally different story. This southern belle turns into a straight thug in a dress, yo.

That said, I still have moments in which emotion takes over logic. (Probably because of the boobs) I want so badly to have the other person (especially The Boyfriend) to see it from my point of view that listening becomes secondary.

If only he could see it from my point of view…then all would be wonderful.

Like in the movies.

In any relationship, disagreements are normal and if handled correctly are healthy. Still, if you’re going to fight it out with your significant other…here are some basic ground rules. These are rules in which I’ve attained through many bloodbaths and tears– trials and errors.


 

  • It’s Not a Contest:  There isn’t going to be a trophy issued after the fight has ceased and there won’t be a winner to claim the prize. You’re not even gonna get a participation ribbon…so stop treating arguments as if it is a contest. When arguing with your significant other, take winning out of the equation. It isn’t about who is right or wrong…because let’s face it, in most cases each  side will have merit.

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  • This Isn’t Drama Class: The Boyfriend (and my kids)  have accused me of being dramatic in arguments. Whilst this isn’t always the case, I will admit to being a tad bit theatrical to get my point across. The problem with this method is it never ends well. The reason is because all of my emotional energy is being used towards being theatrical, thus I’m failing to listen to the other’s point of view. This ultimately prolongs the issue(s) from being resolved and obviously no one is going to take an overly dramatic person seriously. When keeping things in realistic perspective AKA keeping it real-the argument remains balanced and reasonable.

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  • Keep the Past Where it Belongs…In the Past: When you run out of ammunition, it is very easy to bring up some wrong your significant other has done in the past. Everyone has been guilty of this- myself included. It’s a great way to deflect when you feel like you’re being backed into a corner. Bringing up the past just leads into another argument and again, the issue(s)  will not be quickly resolved. Most likely, this could escalate matters from a small debate to World War III.

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  • Listen: Don’t assume what the problem is….listen to your partner. Don’t discount their feelings and issues because it isn’t a big deal to you or it wouldn’t be something you would be upset over. It bothers/hurts/angers <insert emotion here> to them so instead of brushing them off…LISTEN.  Their feelings are just as valid as yours.

 

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  • Make Sure What You’re Arguing About Isn’t About Something Else: There was an issue I had with The Boyfriend, but it was a touchy subject and I was reluctant to bring it up. However, as time went on, the more impatient and irritated I became with him because what do you know…my man is not a mind-reader.  Our arguments were silly in nature, but would sometimes get heated…mainly because what I was upset about had little to do with our argument. By the time the issue was brought up it was an all out war. I had allowed more and more time to go by and I had gotten myself into a tizzy of monstrous proportions. Fortunately, you can’t bullshit a bullshitter and I was called out on my shit. We were able to talk about the problem like adults. Had I been upfront about the issue to begin with, we would have saved ourselves from a lot of wasted energy on being angry.

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  • Embrace Your Crazy: You’re both probably crazy in one form or another…and your craziness is most likely vastly different from each other. Don’t conform to their crazy…embrace your own and respect theirs.

 

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I know I left out a lot of common sense rules (IE: No name calling, no hitting, etc) however, I want to hear from you!

What are some of your rules you have when arguing with your significant other?

Sound off in the comments section!

7 Comments

  1. Okay so what is your ideal solution when you have repeatedly been careful enough to not say the wrong thing that might possibly damage your relationship, but you go and say exactly that, when you were so drunk, that you have actual memory gaps, let alone hazy memories? And this thing that you’re not supposed to say, stems from your own fear, insecurity and lack of trust because you are not worthy of being loved.

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    1. I wish I had an “ideal” answer for you. This has happened between The Boyfriend and I on more than one occasion. And whilst he may not remember what he has said, or vice versa, the person who isn’t drunk always remembers. And yes, alcohol plays a part and you can chalk it up to just being drunk, but it doesn’t take the sting away. It still hurts.

      You can’t change the past. It happened. All you can do is move forward. I would tell him exactly that…you don’t remember much of what was said, but it had little to do with him. It was about you and your insecurities. Be straight with him. I believe when we tackle an issue head on and do not let it fester, it no longer becomes an issue/problem, but a lesson.

      (((hugs)))

      (Side note: Shit happens. Clean it up and move forward. If he loves you, he will forgive you. I’m not saying he will get over it right away, but most likely, he will understand. Men don’t harbor things like we do.)

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      1. You’d be surprised how much mine harbors things. But I love him all the same. Except, he is kind of sick of this particular insecurity of mine unconsciously driving most of my actions. I know what he needs right now, it is just particularly hard for me to let him have that. But thanks so much for taking the time to type out this reply.

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        1. I was recently told that relationships are mirrors. They are a reflection of us. He’s treating you the way you treat/see yourself. Try changing how you treat and think of yourself. I’ve been doing this and I’ve noticed subtle changes. The vibes we put out are what people embrace.

          He’s really only treating you the way you treat yourself.

          It sounds crazy, but I’ve been reading a lot about it and I can see how it is true in my relationship. Google: “Relationships are reflections of ourselves” or “Relationship Mirrors”

          It will blow your mind.

          (((Hugs)))

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