I had asked The Boyfriend if he had any fond memories of me and he couldn’t think of one.
NOT even one.
It then became a bit of a heated conversation and I dropped it. (Tears. So many hormonal tears.)
I dwelled on this for a couple of days. Does his lack of not being able to remember (or say) a fond memory that includes me means we’re doomed? Or is it that I’m being too FEMALE and wanting him to come up with something that may not even be genuine?
I took this question to a few of my male friends…one being blood related.
I asked this question:
If your wife/girlfriend/lover asked you to share a fond memory of them would you be able to answer the question?
My cousin Rafael, age 41, answered first.
His answer was so quick that I had to ask if it was a bad sign if the guy couldn’t come up with one.
“No. Maybe the guy was caught off guard or maybe he’s trying to figure out what the girl wants to hear. It happens. The ‘how or where’ we met should be a fond memory.”
Fifty-something anonymous friend who didn’t know why I was asking and likes to give me crap about how I don’t understand men…responded with, “Depends on the length of the relationship, but it’s doable. I would pose the question as, ‘What’s one of your favorite US moments.’ ”
29-year-old Marc who is the only one of the three in a long-term relationship texted me this:
“It’s not a dumb question, but it would be hard to answer though.”
I know The Boyfriend loves me. We both have drastically different Love Languages and despite my
nagging urging him to learn mine…his attitude is simply, “It’s all good. Calm yourself.”
And in a lot of ways, he’s right. I know he has tons of fond memories of me and of us. In my attempt to be closer to him, I somehow turned it into a silly argument that only annoyed the both of us.
The bottom line is the more serious a relationship is, the less your man will want to reassure you.
In the beginning of a relationship, there is the whole “woo” phase. Once there is a firm commitment, men enter the comfort zone. It doesn’t make it fair, but flowers “just because” are a rarity.
“Look, when we are confident that we are in a good relationship all those things seem silly. I don’t think I need to do the extras as much because it’s not needed. She knows how I feel about her,” says Roger,* who has been married for nine years. “We have more important things right now to spend our money on than gifts to say what we already know. I find other things that show my love for her. I’ll put gas in her car when I see it’s on low or I’ll fix something of hers she didn’t even know needed fix.”
Surprise flowers or a romantic evening has the same message as your man paying the electric bill because you don’t have a job. Or skipping his poker night to go with you to your best friend’s art exhibit. He doesn’t give you a Hallmark card that expresses his undying love for you….but he brushes the snow off your car and listens to you when that’s all you need him to do.
That message…whilst different in displaying is still the same: “I love you and I want to make you happy. I want to be with you.”
The courtship between a couple shouldn’t end…but it is important to recognize the variety of ways courting can be displayed will change and evolve as the relationship matures.
The last person I asked was my friend John who has been married to his high school sweetheart for many years and his answer is proof that some men GET IT.
I repeated the question and this… LADIES AND GENTLEMEN is worthy of a smile and maybe a tear or two:
“My fondest and everlasting memory of my wife would be us holding hands, drinking coffee together, basking in the sun through a window and talking about life…”
Love isn’t always easy, but when you love the right person…it is always worth it.