I’m just one Britney/Justin dance-off reenactment for a Lifetime Biopic away from having a readable blog post.

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I’m dying. 

I bought grocery store sushi  because I was craving sushi, but being that I’m unemployed and money is tight, I could only afford $4 sushi from the grocery store.

Big Mistake.

HUGE. 

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I had planned a girls shin-dig at my house this evening since The Boyfriend is out of town at a hockey tournament. What better way to celebrate his absence than to have a group of women over to drink wine and talk about our kids?  It’s all kinds of sexy.  But being that I’ve been puking since 4am…I’ve texted everyone I could think of to cancel. My fear is I didn’t get to everyone and someone will show up expecting a good time and all they’ll get is me in my sleepy half-moon pajamas retching out some intestines.

I’m holed up in my bedroom binge watching This is Us because I’m NOT SAD ENOUGH. I’m only three episodes in and I only stop crying to puke. The only thing to make this scene even more pathetic is if I owned a couple of cats and there were a few empty bottles of vodka strewn around the bed.

Calm down fellas, I already got a man.

 

 

 

I’m working through this depression funk. It hasn’t been fun. Although when my teenagers are home, it’s pretty hard to disguise the weird things I do when I’m feeling like this. For example,  yesterday  I went to the store for garbage bags. Garbage Bags. That’s it. All I had to do was walk into the store, find the aisle with the garbage bags, pick up said garbage bags and purchase them. My fifteen year old even texted to remind me: “MOM, DON’T FORGET THE GARBAGE BAGS” to which I responded back in indignant frustration: “You’re not the boss of me. I won’t forget the garbage bags!”

 

I forgot the garbage bags.

 

SO this is what went down:  I went to the grocery store in the midst of a snow blizzard and upon entering I was immediately accosted by the Girl Scouts to buy their cookies. I was able to resist their little cherub acts of innocence and sugar and said no, not today all the while chanting ‘garbage bags.’ in my head. Well, then I saw this guy I used to date and didn’t want him to see me because I LOOKED HORRIBLE…so I spent five minutes in the store…dodging him but of course, he saw me anyway and asked, “So how long has it been?” And I was all, “It’s snowing outside.”

Because that’s how I show confidence. By being a blubbering idiot that says stupid stuff like that. 

Anyway, all THAT was happening at the store and I grabbed two candles that smell like lilacs and clean laundry. This is also where I picked up the $4  sushi because what a great night for me! Marathon viewing of The Office on Netflix, some sushi and candles that smell like lilacs and clean laundry. I was almost giddy with the thought of how my evening was going to be.

I pull in the garage, mighty satisfied with myself and the fact I spent less than $20…only to go in the kitchen and see the empty garbage can and the day’s garbage in the small grocery bags. My son walks in and asks, “Where are the garbage bags?” and of course I tell him he’s grounded because I don’t need to put up with that kind of attitude from a fifteen year old.

My son finds me this morning with my head in the freezer because the cold seemed to help with the nausea. He questioned the sanity of this act, because why wouldn’t I just get out the ice pack? And then to really drive it in… he asks, “Do you know how much electricity you’re wasting right now?”


 

The Boyfriend: I can’t teach you how to play golf because you don’t want to listen.

Me: I do too listen! I just want to learn to play golf.

The Boyfriend: I’m not teaching you. You proved that you’re not going to listen to me when we tried snorkeling in Hawaii.

Me: That’s different. You were trying to drown me.

The Boyfriend: Jaime.

Me: FINE! I’ll learn to play by myself. And then I’ll challenge you and I’ll beat you at golf. I don’t know what you think… but I’m so not stupidly challenged at sports.

The Boyfriend: Stupidly challenged at sports? I’m so going to use that this weekend with the guys at the tournament. I’m going to be all, “Hey guys! I’m not stupidly challenged at sports!”

Me: I really don’t like you.

The Boyfriend: I know. You’re also not stupidly challenged by expressing it either.

 

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