Muddy


“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.  Because it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
―Maya Angelou


 

I’ve been in a horrible mood and this job searching nonsense isn’t helping. I honestly believed I would have had a job by now…but nope. Nada. And whilst I have a few interviews the rest of the week, I’ve decided to keep it all a secret. Last few times I’ve excitedly told The Boyfriend the when and where of other interviews, I never got the job. So I’m choosing another tactic and that is being superstitious to the point of being ridiculous.

I do have two writing gigs with upcoming deadlines which is keeping me from throwing myself off a bridge. I kid. I’d never throw myself off a bridge…mainly, because I’m too vain to off myself in such an extreme measure.

In all seriousness, the last few years has brought me to such a humble existence in which I’m surprisingly grateful. I have a great amount of appreciation to how precious life can be and how quickly things can change. I value friendships a lot more than I used to and it’s surprising who you find genuinely cares about you when you’re at the bottom.

I also find it amusing that the ones who should be the most understanding because they’ve been where you are seem to be the ones who are the most judgmental. It’s weird how that is…but it’s also a good thing. Those are the people you know you don’t want in your life…especially when you’re back to where you are supposed to be. It’s indicative to who they are and it rarely has anything to do with who you are. Having said that, you still find yourself thinking it’ll change because it doesn’t make sense. Yet,life and people rarely make sense.

I’ve learned the older I get is that you can’t change people. People are who they are. Sometimes people even decide to create you into a specific character to justify their actions and by doing so… they never  get to know you. That’s pretty depressing when you think about it, because there is still this need: “If they really knew me then they would understand”.  Yet, here’s the ugly truth: if they really wanted to know you, then they would put their own assumptions aside. The problem is to get to know you would interfere with justifying their own behavior and life choices. (Psychology 101: The Oprah Winfrey edition.)

I used to care about what people thought of me. I used to care a lot. Now I’m finding myself not caring– which is what some people say you should do. (“It’s none of my business what people think of me.”)  However, I am starting to miss that part of me…the part of me that cared because there was this innocence I used to have. Some may call it being naive or just plain stupid. I don’t know exactly what to call it. All I know is  I am starting to get jaded and the things I used to believe in…things that kept me optimistic and hopeful are no longer there. It makes me a little sad and I often wonder…will I get that part of me back?  Or is this how life goes…that some parts of you are just long gone because that’s what life is.: a constant evolving state of good and bad.

Walking to get the mail, I take a minute to show gratitude for what is good in my life. I do have an amazing group of people who love me unconditionally…even now when it seems like I’m a complete failure.  They don’t care though and they remind me that I never was or will be a failure.

When life seems to be at the worst part of SUCK it can be…you  really do have just two choices:

Fall in the muddy puddle during a rainstorm and stay there…or stand up/clean yourself up and make your way out of the mud and keep moving through the storm.

I choose the latter because I know eventually…the sun will come out again.

And hopefully, if you’re lucky like me, there is someone to help pull you up and keep you up until you can stand on your own again.


Madea – Let em’ Go from Joshua Davis on Vimeo.

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