“This chick is toast.”

I was just outside with my dogs when I hear this loud groan. An annoyingly sounding groan which was meant for me to hear. I thought maybe it was The Boyfriend because he is known to groan loudly like that whenever I say it’s time for a talk about our feelings or he’s caught me wearing his socks again.

I stop short because if it is The Boyfriend then he’s going to know I’m outside wearing not only his socks, but his snow boots (can’t find either of mine) and I’m not wearing a bra. Which isn’t so bad because I have a coat on…HIS coat…but nevermind all that.

So I’m all, “Boyfriend?” And The Boyfriend doesn’t answer because it isn’t The Boyfriend, but THE NEIGHBOR who is staring at me. She’s in her yard, arms down by her side and staring.

You see this stuff in horror movies right before someone is about to get slaughtered.

The Neighbor is creepy as hell, but also very rude. (Like c’mon, you can be creepy, but be nice about it!) The other day as I was walking to my front door,  I saw her outside and waved hello. She rolled her eyes and walked away.

She. Walked. Away.

I immediately told The Boyfriend and asked if I should bake cookies for her BECAUSE WHO DOES THAT?! And his response was something along the lines of “Who the F cares” and “Are you wearing my socks again?”

So here I am…outside with the dogs in a BLIZZARD wearing stolen socks and snow boots with THE NEIGHBOR groaning loudly at my existence. I half-suspect she’s wanting me to acknowledge her, but I already said hi the other day and didn’t get a response and I just don’t have the confidence to handle that much rejection in one week.

In what could only be described as a scene in which I’ll be murdered by THE NEIGHBOR (because she’s probably a serial killer who hates women who stand outside with her dogs braless and in their boyfriend’s socks) I put on the best acting performance of my life. (Minus my wedding night twenty-one years ago.)

I start playing with the dogs (IN A BLIZZARD) and cheerfully yell their names as if I don’t know she’s standing there watching. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not one to frolic in the snow with anyone, much less my dogs. But here I am…frolicking.

In the snow.

Braless.

Wearing snowboots four sizes too big and stolen socks.

She finally goes back inside her house which was a relief because frolicking in the snow to make it look like you’re not the crazy one…somehow makes you feel like you are the crazy one…

I want to text The Boyfriend to give him the lowdown on the current episode of THE NEIGHBOR saga but I’m not speaking to him right now. Worst yet, I forgot to inform him that he’s getting the silent treatment…so I basically have to wait to tell him this story when he apologizes to me for having to give him the silent treatment.

It’s absolutely exhausting being me.

anxious female zombie staring at her cellphone
Illustration of THE NEIGHBOR
couple.jpg
Illustration of The Boyfriend and I discussing my giving him the silent treatment and something about some nonsense regarding his socks.